What does it all mean.. What was Johnny implying when he sent me that message.. I don't understand. How do other girls react to this kind of thing? I mean, Johnny and I talked often, sure. But never once did he send me something like this. Never once did he post something that I had to over-analyze. Could it really be that he wanted to.. go to the next level? What the fuck is the next level anyway?! Wait.. Do I want to go to the next level? Um... is no comment okay?

  Honestly, I don't know.. Online is such uh... it's such an impossible word. Well of course it's possible, but I mean it has it's limits ya know? Dammit! This stupid and probably useless problem has been corrupting my thoughts for the past two weeks now.. Theories have become redundant and my brain is starting to give up on me. I'm not used to this behavior. This is just so weird..

you better take a seat,
yeah stay away coz i'm about to wear you out
and i'm not afraid
to tell you what this is all about

Mona's been a good listener the whole time, seeing as we've grown close over the past few weeks. It's so easy to talk to her, because we have so much more in common that I had with Tracy.. Speaking of which, I haven't been able to talk to her much lately. Last time I was with her, she needed to go--get this-- SHOPPING for her first official date with Steven. Don't get me wrong, I love to shop, but to do it just for a guy? That's not me. I really don't understand why she loves that guy so much. No offense, but he has no brains, no looks, no personality, but he still thinks he's too cool for school. What is up with that?! Oh, somewhere in there I failed to mention he's borderline hiphop and metal. Uh, that doesn't make sense! Oh, speaking of not making sense, you should see how he dresses. Ugh. Let's not get into that. the worst part about this whole Steven thing is, aside from Tracy talking to him at every opportune moment is that she's actually starting to THINK like him. The rock is slowly rubbing off, she threw her chucks out, and slowly I'm going to be next. I know for a fact we're drifting apart, we hardly have anything to talk about anymore. I'm so torn up about this whole j_greene thing and the fact that my best friend for two years is taking a turn for the worst. Right when I thought my life was getting better again something always tears it up in front of me.

And now the world me

Is slowly blending together,

Like a wheel of colors,

Are we so different you and I,

Are we so different you and I?

---------------------------------------------------------

Dammit.

      What the hell was I thinking sending her that message? I wanted to push the send button, but actually sending the message to her was a complete accident. Rest assured I had fallen for Jenna. Geez, you couldn't blame me. There was just something about her. I know it's a lot to say because we've never really met in person, but I'm hopeful that we will. Somehow. I'll find her.

"JOHNNY WHAT THE HELL!" yelled Martin looking agitated.

"Huh? Wha?" I looked around confusedly.

Of course.. now I remember we'd been having band practice. And I missed my solo. Thrice.

"What the fuck is wrong with you today! All week! ALL MONTH! Why don't you concentrate anymore dammit!" Greg screamed at me.

"I'm sorry alright!!! Let's take it from the second chorus again. I promise I won't screw up. I PROMISE!" I yelled back to them, all staring at me starting to get pissed off.

We're here at your place..

Too little time to waste..

Are you putting me to this test?

Relax baby, I'll take care of the rest..

Here it comes.... okay, now.

I execute my 30 second solo, full of passion and emotion.. I was thinking about her, how she told me how she was an aspiring writer and photographer. I thought about her poem about Eternity.. pain, bliss.. I thought about how much I wanted to be able to take her hand in mine.. I needed to be with her...

"Johnny!!" A high-pitched squeak broke my train of thought and suddenly I felt sticky vanilla flavored lips press against mine.

I pulled away, to be brought back to reality. Anna...

Anna, my GIRLFRIEND... fuck.

"You were great baby..." She said stroking my arm.

"Uh, yeah thanks." I replied.. aching for Jenna.

"Good job Johnny, just don't space out again or I'll kick your ass." Greg said as he gave me a friendly slap on the back.

"Yea.. sorry 'bout that.." I rubbed the back of my neck while Anna was hugging my chest so hard I couldn't breathe.

"Uh, Anna, not so tight.. uh.. I can't breathe." I tried to pull her away from me.

"Oh, sorry babe." she giggled and constricted herself around my arm instead.

No.. It's never gonna work. How can I get Jenna when I have this ...thing slowly blocking my blood circulation here? What is it with girls and squeezing the shit out of us guys? Anyway, I only started going out with Anna because I knew she really liked me and uh, coz of what happened one night during summer vacation. I had drank quite a bit after a gig and was feeling down about being so far away from Jenna.. then Anna had somehow found her way into my err.. mouth and we've been together ever since. I know I should break it off with her, since there really isn't anything there. But there are times when I feel so, angry and depressed about being away from Jenna physically, that it's not so bad to have Anna there whenever I need her.

"So I was out with the girls looking for something to wear to our Dance next week, and I saw this really nice dress, and there's hardly anything covering the back, and Tina said I looked really sexy in it.. It's purple and it has a lot of lace--"

"Johnny? HELLO!"

No one could compare to Jenna. No one.